Me and my new bf have been going out for over a month now. 2 nights ago I ended up sleeping over his house but nothing happened. Today he came to my house and only stayed for a little while and he said he wanted to "take things slower." Sometimes we don't have much to talk about and I'm afraid he might be re-thinking our relationship. What does 'take things slower' mean? Should I be worried? I realize you guys don't approve of our relationship to begin with but I really would like some insight as to what a guy might mean when he says this early in a relationship. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this kind of stuff.

It means in some way or another he feels that you are pressuring him for more of a commitment than he is ready to make. Do you know why he might feel that way? I'm not fishing for a particular answer--that's just a question for you to think about.

Let's hope that he is thinking with his head instead of his glands.

Respect his suggestion, and work with it!

In my world, spending the night with a boyfriend (whether or not anything "happened") is a serious thing. Maybe he feels that just the simple fact that you spent the night together (whether or not anything "happened") means that things are getting too serious in too short of a time.

Besides spending the night at his house, he could think that you spend too much time together, talk too often, or are more physically or emotionally intimate than he feels comfortable with at this point in time.

You shouldn't feel worried or scared as long as you are seeking to do what God wants you to do.

Having been where both you and he are now, I don't envy you. I would venture that he feels pressured and, for many males, pressure results in flight.

Which won't help you much, given where you are in your life. I'd loosen the reins and encourage any attempt on his part to talk, another thing he won't be good at. And by "encourage", I don't mean pressure.

Why don't you just date guys, without them being your boyfriend? And maybe try hanging out with guys in a group setting, like with a bunch of friends. You get to know people better this way, and don't get derailed so easily.

On Sept 19 you went out with your OLD boyfriend, and now - on Oct 26th you have had a boyfriend for over a month? Sounds as if you are moving WAY WAY too fast!

What came to mind when I read your post is....

communication.

Instead of speculating or asking other people what your boyfriend means about taking things slower, I suggest that you ask him directly. Just ask him what he has in mind for doing so... i.e. talk less, spend a little less time together, etc. He knows what he means. Ask him to tell you what he means in language you understand... rather than you trying to "figure it out." Communication is vitally important in all relationships and the sooner you learn to communicate effectively, the better relationships you will have.

Lisa

Bad move. They aren't married or even serious enough to start talking about feelings. Thats what he'll see it as when she starts talking about this with him. He means you guys aren't serious enough for you to be spending the night, leaving stuff there etc. etc. or he is using this as an excuse to put distance between himself and the relationship. One of these you can fix one you can't so breath, back - up, and don't be suprised if a break-up happens but don't freak out expecting one.

That's just silly if it's true. If you can't say "What did you mean by that" from hour one of the "relationship", then it's doomed to begin with. It's never too early to ask for clarity when someone says something. No mature person worth dating is going to run scared when someone says "please explain what you meant by that" because they think it's too early to talk about "feelings." If he does break up with her or get scared because of that, he's not a good mate anyhow.

Okay so go with Bendetta's idea and break-up. Trust me when I say this is not a good move. The first little bit of a relationship the guy is trying to figure out if you are a naggy, whiny, woman and to see if there is chemistry. That is probably what he is doing or he didn't realize this was an exclusive relationship.

I definitely didn't say she should break with him. My point is that if the guy thinks she is a "naggy, whiny woman" because she says "Can you explain what that means so I can do as you wish", then he has problems and it's no loss to her if he dumps her. There is no stage of a relationship where it's appropriate to play games and screw with people's heads, or to feel like you have to walk on eggshells. That is not the adult world. That is the high school world. It's a shame that people keep living in it beyond high school.

Ugh Honestly how old are you? I wouldn't want to get that touchy feely emotionally in the first month. First month is still hey cool we are getting to know each other/hanging out time. Why does everything have to get so in depth? If I looked at someone I'd been dating a month and said "I don't feel like hanging out." and the guy started asking what I meant by that and strated imagining in his own head that we were breakingup I'd be irritated.

I'm older than you, and been married longer. But, I'm not ancient. I'm not sure whether you were trying to suggest I'm too young or too old to be wise on this subject. I didn't realize this thread was only for people of a certain age group, or people who act like they're in that age group. I'll just be on my way. Carry on.

What does being married longer have to do with anything? Is she getting married? Did I miss something?
Be wise on the subject. I am not saying that the boy is not a butthead for dumping her if she askes. A month is a short time though as far as dating is concerned. And getting to squishy to fast scares many males.

I can see both beezle and benedettas points and I think there is just some miscommunications happening here.

I feel techno should approach this with an attitude adjustment rather than a technique adjustment. I think this is the same 'hot and cold guy' you've had all along isn't it, techno? Not a new one since the September one?

Girls often think long term when meeting a guy (not all but many) and that can manifest differently depending on your self esteem. It took me half a life time to figure out how low self esteem impacts on every relationship but now when I feel confused or disturbed about a relationship issue, I turn my focus to finding my inner peace and sitting with those sensations without thought.... rather than turning them over in my mind like some scientific/mathematical equation needing to be solved. It's the secret to 'mystique'. Quality men love mystique.

A HS boy with a young woman in pursuit is like a colt being driven into a corral for the first time. Skittish is an understatement.

...is unlikely to be effective with adolescent males.

It takes one who was one to know one.

Having been there and done that, my point is "don't play the game." She doesn't have to ask "what do you mean by taking it slower" but rather "HOW do you want to take it slower?"

I also wasn't suggesting a "move" but rather don't read into all the conversations and gestures. It is what it is and don't look for more in that. If he wants to take it slower, we all know what those words mean including techno. It means the relationship is getting too serious too fast. Slow down. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. What needs figuring out is "HOW" to slow it down. You can have a mature conversation about that or just go with the flow and allow the guy to drive the relationship at the pace he wants to drive it.

Again, my point is not to speculate what he means when he says things. Take it for the words that they are and mean rather than looking for some hidden meaning. Chances are there is no hidden meaning.

Lisa