It caught him by surprise at dinner, on the last day of the Catholic Writer's Conference. Dinner is supposed to be a time for relaxation and fun,he reflected later. You are not supposed to drop spiritual and emotional bombs on your friends.

But that apparently never occurred to Susan, his new found friend sitting to the right of him at dinner. He had liked her the moment he met her -- friendly, talkative, and most assuredly Catholic. Very self-assuredly Catholic. He met her on Friday morning as they took part in a critique circle of their literary works. As the critique session moved on, he noticed that she had a lot to say, and most of it was very good information for the one receiving it. The leader of the critique session, himself a published and well known author, would later say that he was also quite impressed with her ability to see issues in the writings she critiqued.

The evening had been spent in the pleasant chit chat of good friends spending a warm last night together before returning home. He had been silent through much of the meal, trying to listen to two equally interesting conversations going on at the same time -- one to the right of him and one to the left.

During a lull in the conversation, he turned to Susan, spoke to her about how wonderful the week had been and how he had a lot of work to do upon his return home tomorrow. This work included revising manuscripts that publishers had encouraged him to submit and following up on paperwork he had filed to enter the diaconate program in the Church.

Her response floored him.

"Unh unh," she said, with her wonderfully friendly smile. "That's not you." Her voice had a firmness in the denial of his plans.

"What do you mean, that's not me?" he replied. Ever since his return from the monastery, where he had been in discernment of the consecrated life, he had been eager to take the next step. Fr. Abbot Leo had instructed him on his last day that he was not "monk material" and had encouraged him that he might make a good deacon.

He thought of the last year since his return from the monastery. It had been a real challenge. He had struggled at first to get over the disappointment of being turned down by the monastic community. Some days he seriously wondered if perhaps Fr. Leo had made a mistake. He had loved it out there and felt greatly at peace with the flow of the monastic routine. Yet, as he well knew, the life was not only about his sense that the monastic life fit him, but the monastery's sense that he fit them. And they had felt him to be more burdensome than blessing. Bluntly put, his activity level disrupted the quiet of a contemplative order, even though they had asked him to do all the work he plunged into while out there.

Once back home, he took that activity level and continued to do good with it. He had been actively working with the Knights of Columbus and had been elected to the office of Chancellor when the elections had been held. He also had become involved in service to a local apostolate which serves the poor and homeless.

"I'm already doing the work of a deacon -- serving the people of God" he thought "Why wouldn't I make a good deacon?"

"So why? he queried. "Why do you think that I am not fit to be a deacon?"

"It's not what you want." She smiled at him with that wonderful smile that just made a person want to hug her for the warmth and friendship it conveyed.

"It's all over your writings. You want to be a priest." She looked him dead in the eyes. "I know. It's in your heart, deep in there."

"God 'told' you this?" He was a little more pointed with the question than necessary, but he had spent most of his life listening to -- and sometimes following -- people who told him what God wanted him to do. Some of the resulting disasters had made him suspicious of those who seemed to always know God's will for others.

"I just know. Trust me. I can tell. Like I said, it's in your writings. It's in your heart of hearts, isn't it?" She gave him a look that seemed to say I know you and who you are.

He sighed and sat back, his hand fingering his fork absentmindedly. She was right. That was the truth that he couldn't deny. The whole idea of serving God by serving His people had appealed to him for a long time.

A priest! What a wonderful thing to be! He loved priests. Loved talking to them, kissing their hands in the Eastern Catholic fashion of greeting, and just being around them. In some ways, he was like a kid in the way he looked up to them and admired them. He hadn’t always felt that way. Raised outside the Church, the religious tradition he had gravitated to as a young adult had been virulently anti-Catholic. They taught him to look down on the Catholic Faith and especially priests. But on his 50th birthday, he was accosted in an Internet forum room by a group of apologists who happily endured his insults while speaking the Truth in love.

Two years later he entered the Church on April 14th, 2001. It was the happiest day of his life.

And now, at 60 years of age, here was this new found friend – this sister in the Lord with whom he enjoyed speaking – tugging at his heartstrings as she told him a truth he had pushed aside. He wanted to be a priest. His wife had passed on a few years before, his children were grown, and there was little to hold him back in that area.

"The fact is," he had told friends over the last eight years, "that if I knew -- I mean really knew -- that this is God's will for my life, I'd be in the seminary tomorrow. You wouldn't have to ask me twice!"

And he meant it. There would not be enough time to give all the details, but he had lived a full life, and like Solomon, found it a "vanity of vanities". That is not to say that he did not deeply enjoy life as he daily walked through it in the peace of Christ. It simply means that in terms of what is truly important, he knew that there is more to life than the next bauble or pleasure life dangles before us. It was that knowledge, learned at an early age, that had moved him seek true meaning. It was God's grace which had used that seeking to break through the prejudices and bring Him home to the Catholic Faith.

"I think you'd make a good priest," chimed another voice. He turned to face the table. The conversations had suddenly focused on him.

"C'mon." he almost snorted. "I'm 60 years old. And I don't even have a college degree."

Suddenly, everyone at the table had suggestions. There are seminaries which specialize in "older vocations". That's interesting. In some special cases, a degree may not be necessary. Really?

"Well, I can do this," he said, forming his hand in the traditional sign of blessing and waving it happily across the table. Everyone laughed.

"Okay. So I go become a priest. Can I be chaplain for the Catholic Writer's Guild?"

There was laughter and more jokes. The happy banter of friends -- no, brothers and sisters, in Christ -- having a joyous time. How he loved these people and loved being with them. It had been such a week of joy being with them at the conference. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a parish filled with such folk and to serve them? He thought of his own parish and how it felt so much like family to him.

After dinner, a few of them gathered around the pub at the hotel for drinks. Susan came and sat by him, giving him a squeeze of the hand as she sat next to him. She was a "hugger" and it was another thing he liked about her.

"So tell me," she asked quietly, "What kind of priestly things are you doing now? Do you pray the hours?

"I try. The biggest problem is that our Byzantine prayer book is so ..... eeeeeh.....so confusing." He grimaced. "What's worse is that there doesn't seem to be a program for teaching converts how to pray the darn thing. It's very frustrating."

"Well, what do you pray?"

"Hmmmmmm....well, I try to pray the Angelus in the morning, at noon, and at 6PM. And I try to remember to pray the Divine Mercy if I'm not tied up with some business deal. I do Matins in the morning and Vespers at night."

"No daily Rosary?"

He looked down, a little embarrassed. It was something that he had been trying to do and had really not put in a very good effort. He was sure that the constant promptings he had to pray the Rosary daily were the Holy Spirit nudging him. Or maybe his Queen.

His silence gave a clear answer.

"Oh, Ed," she sighed, "you have to pray the Rosary every day." She turned to him. "How about your Holy Hour?"

"You mean Adoration?" he asked.

"Yes, Adoration. You need to go at least once a week. I try to go every day, but.....you know....sometimes home and things I have to do. But I try to go."

He nodded. He knew in his heart that it probably took quite a lot to keep her from Adoration.

"Confession? How often do you go to Confession?"

"Every two months. Unless I have a mortal sin on my soul."

"No," she insisted. "No more than 2 weeks. You have to go to regular Confession."

He chuckled to himself, slightly amused at how this kind and generous woman was instructing him in the Faith. Boy, I better not let her down he thought. But of course, it wasn’t about Susan. It wasn’t about the table filled with his friends who had all given him different degrees of encouragement to “knock on the door and see if God opens it for you.”

“Yeah, why not? “ another offered. “What do you have to lose?”

That's what a couple of his friends had said at dinner. "It's not going to hurt to rattle the doorknob and see if God opens the door."

Yes, it was ultimately about God. What did God want of his life?

He decided on the way up to his room that he would offer a Rosary to his Queen, asking Her as the Queen of priests to guide him. Now he sat on his bed, staring at the brightly colored beads in his hands. Could it be? Deep in his heart he could sense that he would love nothing better. Just the possibility gave him such a sense of pleasure that he wanted to laugh out loud for the joy of it.

“In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit....”

He fell asleep praying the Rosary.

"This is crazy," he thought. The computer screen blinked at him as it brought up the requested information. He looked over the list of requirements for a candidate to apply to the seminary he had Googled.

"Do people actually know the what is required just to have a seminary take a look at you?" It wasn't that he thought that the requirements were crazy, although he did think they were perhaps a bit more than they needed to be. He was more thinking his dear friends to be crazy for suggesting that he even had a snowball's chance on a griddle of going through all he saw laid out before him.

Perhaps they didn't hear him when he said he didn't have a college education. That appeared to be a prerequisite at both of the seminaries that did older vocations. Reading the list that Saturday afternoon had brought him considerably back in touch with reality.

"Doesn't matter what I might want," he thought. "The thing is what do the princes of our Church -- the bishops -- want. They are the ones who determine who gets to discern the priesthood and who doesn't."

His gaze returned to the screen and he squelched a strong desire to reach over to his mouse and just close the screen down. The list in front of his eyes mocked him:

Those applicants seeking admission to the seminary program must furnish:

1. A completed and signed Seminary Division application form

"Where do I get that? Guess I'll call the diocesan office Monday and talk to Fr. LaVoie"

2. Psychological evaluation by a psychologist experienced in testing candidates for the seminary. The testing center, or professional, must be approved by the school.

Wonder how many of the candidates in the first century had to go through that? He found himself wondering if the Apostles would have even passed, given some of the quirks the scriptures and history listed about them. Ditto with the Early Fathers of the Church. By the time the Council of Nicea rolled around, there had been some pretty interesting and odd characters in the Church.

3. One page account (as called for by the application) describing the candidate's life, the candidate's process of discernment of his priestly vocation and commitment to celibacy

"Oh, great! I'm still thinking about getting remarried and I have to answer the celibacy question? That isn't even an issue in the Eastern Catholic Church, which admits married men to the priesthood."

He paused and stared at that requirement. Re-marriage had been a little more on his radar after meeting Julianne two months ago. They had shared a lovely dinner together on their first meeting and she had written him to indicating that she was willing and interesting in seeing him again.

"Damn! Is life ever easy? Just once it would be nice to get a simple, straightforward answer to the questions of my life!"

4. Three letters of recommendation

5. Letters of evaluation from the rector of each seminary previously attended

6. Letters of evaluation from any diocese or religious community with which the candidate was or is associated

7. Official certificates of candidate's baptism and confirmation prepared within six months of the date of application, and a copy of the candidate's parents' marriage certificate

"Fabulous! I have absolutely no idea where to find these things! This keeps looking worse by the minute."

8. Medical certificate of good health, stating the candidate is able to undertake studies for the priesthood and is free from contagious diseases (this must be prepared by a licensed physician within six months prior to application), HIV and drug testing required

"I have Hepatitus C. Will that keep me out?"

9. Academic transcripts of all post-secondary education, proof of the highest degree earned, and all standardized test results available (G.R.E. Institution code 3429). All must be official and issued directly to Holy Apostles Seminary

"Like I said, no secondary education. I'm a high school educated yutz."

10. Criminal background check

11. Non-refundable application fee

He thought of his friends and their dinner the night before. They had certainly seemed happy that he had agreed to consider the possibility of a vocation. He thought of other times that friends had suggested that he would make a good priest. How easy it was to make the suggestion. How hard the follow through was looking.

"I bet there's a lot of men out there who would be excellent priests -- if they didn't have to jump through fiery hoops of hell to get to seminary."

This subject had been the matter of an interesting discussion on the Internet about a year ago. One of his Internet friends had written a few paragraphs and posted them on a weblog, suggesting that with their lack of requirements, the Apostles would not be chosen to be priests today if they could be brought back through time. It had engendered a lively discussion of the issue of just how much education a man needs to become a priest.

"What is wrong with taking men who have or are striving to live holy lives?" he had asked. "How is it that the Church has become more enamored of education than they have of having a godly life?"

"What, indeed," he thought as he typed away at his computer. "If you read the requirements in the Bible, those things were premier. Husband of one wife, not given to filthy lucre, given to hospitality....

He noted wryly that a M Div somehow had escaped the mix of requirements. Well, he would make some calls, put out some inquiries, and pray about it.

Pray about it. Yes, that would be the best thing to do. He would lay his desire at the feet of his Mother and tell Her, with great respect, but straight up and down, that if this was Her desire as Queen of priests, She was going to have to make it happen.

As he went to bed that night, the sheen of last night's enthusiasm had worn off and he honestly saw no way that it could possibly come to pass. He would give it a serious try. He would rattle as many doors as he could, including the door to the palace of Heaven.

He smiled wryly as he wrote the last line. It would take an absolute miracle to get past all the problems, therefore, if it came to pass and he actually was accepted for discernment of the priesthood, he would have no doubt that it was God and not he doing the calling.

I do not know for certain how things are done in the Eastern rites, but if it is similar to the Latin Rite, you're doing things out of order. You don't apply to seminary first. You find a diocese that will admit you as a seminarian--usually the one in which you reside, unless there's a good reason to go elsewhere (in your example, perhaps another diocese will turn out to be more willing to take a chance on an older seminarian). When that diocese accepts you, they tell you which seminary to apply to, and if necessary they run interference to clear hurdles for you.

So the thing you need to do next, before you do anything else, is to find out who is in charge of handling the admissions process for your diocese and talk to him.

Humble Grasshoppa thanks wise Master for sage advice.

I think Fr. Jack Custer is in charge of vocations in the East. I shall start with a call tomorrow.

But honestly, I have much greater doubts of this "calling" than I did the monastic visit. One visit to the monastery had me hooked. This? Somehow I just don't see it, even though it is something that I would find wonderful as a way to serve our Lord and His people.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply!

Brother Ed

Ed,

This is a serious post.

I've watched your journey since way back you-know-when. I've always found it fascinating.

I hope you will share your progress. And I wish you peace.

GKC

There shall be more posts. Things have happened. Perhaps an update tomorrow.

As an aside, I took the first post and submitted as a short story to DAPPLED THINGS. I also sent a copy to a published Catholic author, Arthur Powers, with whom I have become friends. He wrote back and said it was quite good and that he will do some "red pencil" and return it to me.

Best wishes,


Brother Ed

May Our Lord bless you as you continue to discern your future path.

I started to type a follow up a couple of days ago and it really went nowhere. When I was doing the Journey of the Reluctant Monk, my mind was constantly churning out a storyline.

I'm not feeling it at all with this discernment. Maybe writer's block or something else, so I'll just update the thread.

The first week back after the Catholic Writer's Guild Conference was pretty quiet. Fr. LaVoie went on vacation and hasn't called me back yet. I contacted Fr. Sal Pignato, the vocations director of the Byzantine Catholic eparchy I am in, and he advised me to begin by meeting with my parish priest. There was a bit of a humorous moment when I first spoke to him because I had been in touch with him about the diaconate program.

"Ed," he intoned, with perhaps a bit of puzzlement in his voice. "What exactly do you want to be anyway?

"I just want to be what God wants me to be." I replied.

That answer satisfied him and he told me to contact my parish priest. I have an appointment with Fr. Martin tomorrow night. We are going to sit down and talk. I also spoke with the director's assistant at Blessed John XXIII seminary. He was very cordial and went over things in detail with me. They take approximately 10% of their seminarians without a prior college degree (I have none -- my own idiot fault!). He also told me that Holy Apostles is more relaxed regarding this. And I have looked over the FSSP seminary website also.

So.....I'm pretty much on hold for now. No problem, inasmuch as circumstances dictate that even if I find that I really do have a call, I cannot begin till next Fall. So I have a year to pursue this and see what comes of it.

Honestly, I would be delighted just to be a deacon. Probably would be a whole lot less stressful also! And something else occurred to me today as I thought about this all.

I have been pretty busy with the homeless shelter I have been serving here in Harrisburg. I had to wonder if perhaps chasing the priesthood would take me away from the good I can do here serving the poor.

(Here's my silly dream of how I would LOVE for the formation to take place. I go to the seminary in Pittsburgh and live out at the monastery, which is only about 40 minutes from the school! I take my four years of classes, graduate, and the next weekend get married in the morning and ordained in the afternoon. Remember -- Eastern Catholic -- married priesthood okay!)

Well, that's my dream. I still miss the monastery -- some days worse that other days. But I know I am going down the path God has for me, and that is all that counts.

One last thing. When Fr. John was here, there was a personality problem between he and I. He was a great priest and excellent homilest, but we were like oil and water together. So.....I was not invited to serve the altar with him.

Since Fr. Martin has come, I have been on the altar again, and last week did both liturgies with him.

I can't tell you how happy I was to be able to serve again and how I was thinking of ordination as I was up there.

I really hope our Lord thinks I should be ordained, either to the priesthood or the diaconate.

Thanks for your prayers everyone!

Brother Ed

I had a meeting with Fr. Martin and I have to say that it was a wonderful meeting. I am becoming very fond of him as our new parish priest.

During the meeting, I gave him the spiritual life story of my life. He encouraged me to continue to discern and suggested that in the next year until Sept. of 2010, I read and meditate upon Mark's Gospel and how it presents the priesthood of our Lord.

So....that's about it for now. I will call Fr. Pignato on Monday and tell him that I had my meeting with my parish priest. I still having heard from the vocations director of the Latin Rite. Maybe next week.

Keep us advised, if you will.


GKC

Keep you advised?

Indeed.

I am tired, sad, and no little bit angry this morning. I spoke with Fr. Pignato this morning and he advised me that I need to "make up your mind what you want to do".

Well, as I said.....I just want to find where the Lord wants me to serve Him. I am angry because this has become so terribly hard and frustrating. You know, I really need to vent here, so I am going start throwing some dishes. Y'all can pick up the pieces when I am done.

WHY did God allow me to wander away from Him as a teenager? I mean, He could have sent someone into my path who would have steered me clear of the pits I fell into and the stuff I did that damn near killed me. No one....AND I MEAN NO ONE.....came to my aid in any way, spiritually speaking. I liked going to church and serving as an acolyte and even had a bit of time where I, as a 17 year old kid, was thinking that maybe I should be a priest. Why didn't God intervene and send someone my way then?

Why do I find nothing in life as attractive as being a priest or deacon and yet cannot seem to find a way into the service of the Lord? Honestly, I really just don't find the things of life all that interesting any more (remember how comfortable I was at the monastery?) and it makes me think that my life no longer belongs to me, but yet, I can't seem to get any direction at all as to what I am supposed to do.

Why is God so silent? When someone starts to search, what is the point of letting that soul flounder around wonder which way to go and what to do?

Anyhow, I was told this morning that the bishop is not all that keen on "older vocations".

Honestly, I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and forget about the whole mess. It is making my head hurt.

I know I'm a guy and I'm not supposed to do this sort of stuff, but I am so frustrated I just want to go off somewhere and

I was hoping someone else would respond. I don't know anything about this stuff, and I don't know anything about you, but I can't just leave you without a response. Anyway, take everything I say with a grain of salt, and if Father or someone else disagrees, listen to them.

Maybe God did send someone your way and you didn't see. Even if He didn't, He doesn't need to. I don't know much about you or your story, but it sounds as if you fell away from the faith for a time. If that's true, well, I do not think you should blame your fall from the Church on others, let alone on God. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but resentment is a very bothersome and useless thing. (When I was a young teen, before I left the Church, I twice tried to reach out to priests for help, and I never got a response. Why? Well, I don't know. But leaving the Church was most certainly my own fault.)

I've seen a lot of different priests mentioned in your posts. Do you have a spiritual director? If so, I'd advise you to listen to him and be obedient to him. Maybe you're running into trouble by talking to too many different people at once. I don't know how discernment to seminary works, but it seems to me that right now you only really need your spiritual director and I think it was Fr Custer. God will speak through them, I would think, especially if you're not seeing answers in prayer. You said earlier: "But honestly, I have much greater doubts of this "calling" than I did the monastic visit. One visit to the monastery had me hooked. This? Somehow I just don't see it, even though it is something that I would find wonderful as a way to serve our Lord and His people." Do you still feel that way?

Yes, I feel like this often, as well. Sometimes I open my eyes and don't even recognize the world around me, and the ache for God almost never ceases. These feelings are because we are not made for this place. We are made for God. We must pray for perseverance and final perseverance and try to follow God's will as best we can for the time we have left on this planet. Sometimes His will isn't clear. As long as you keep praying and remain close to His Sacred Heart, then I think you are doing what you should be doing, no matter what happens with a vocation.

Great posts Ed, and the best of luck. You have many here who have shoulders to cry on when it gets tough. Real men do cry...then we play football afterward, but we do cry.

I'm hoping you'll get some other folks to post on this, too. If I'm not the last person on the board who ought to be giving thoughts on this, I'm in the top 5 such, I'd guess. But I've watched your progress for several years and am always hoping that you are going to land in the final harbor, at peace, at last.


What did you tell Fr. Pignato that you want to do? Is the Bishop not being too keen another way of saving "forget it"?


GKC

I went to my parish priest this morning and asked him to forward the application for the diaconate program to our vocations director. I have spoken with several people and priests, prayed, and I am very sure that this was a diversion from the path I am supposed to be on.

It's over. I will appreciate your prayers as I seek to enter the diaconate program and hopefully serve the Church in that capacity.

Thanks, guys!

Brother Ed

Prayers, Ed.

GKC

Thank you for that kindness.

Brother Ed

How are you doing, Ed? I understand your frustration at wanting to do God's Will now, and yet unsurety as to exactly what you are supposed to do. Although you seem to have a truckload, mine is more of a wheelbarrow.

Keep praying. I will be praying with you.

Hi!

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm doing pretty good really. I have a GREAT new spiritual director/confessor. Saw him yesterday and it was one of the best sessions I have ever had. I really like this priest and am very comfortable with him.

I'm very sure that if I am called to service in ordination, it would be the diaconate.

Any frustrations I have are pretty much of my own making. I just need to wait on the Lord and take things in His timing and not mine.

Thanks for asking and thanks for your prayers.

PS I have a date Monday night. Dinner with a nice lady who is a Catholic convert like myself. Pray that I can discern if marriage or the celibate life is God's will.